


Rare visitor

by Misanthrop



Category: Shingeki no Kyojin | Attack on Titan
Genre: F/F
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2014-05-22
Updated: 2014-05-22
Packaged: 2018-01-26 03:45:38
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,695
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/1673465
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Misanthrop/pseuds/Misanthrop
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>On Annie's birthday Mikasa decides they have to talk so she can get a little more peace to her mind.</p>
            </blockquote>





	Rare visitor

**Author's Note:**

> Very first thing I have written in years and it's Mikaani sads. Mention of blood.

The flickering light of the torches dancing over the walls had a soothing impact on Mikasa. She grabbed the chair one of the guards probably brought to the room during the last weeks and sat down on it, arms resting on the backrest. After that she did not move for some time, did not hear anything besides her own breath and the occasional crackling of the torches slowly burning down. No one else made a sound, though she was not alone in the room. Not a single sound - not even breathing.

The shadows and lights flickering over the edges of the crystal made her remember the night the two of them sneaked away to spend some time at a lake, the facets glinting like the stars on the water, and she bit her lip.

"Annie.. If you were free now I would take you there again. Where? To the lake, do you remember? The night we..."

Mikasa hesitated. This felt dumb. She didn't know if Annie could even hear her and all the times someone, everyone, talked to her and tried to get a reaction from her failed miserably. But all day the urge to come here and at least see her, peacefully resting, had nagged inside her like a trapped mouse trying to find its way out of a corner. She had to come.

"I would have gotten you a present but you know how the times are."  
She hesitated again. 

"This is weird, you know? It's not the first time I came here but today it feels.. different. I don't know how to put it. All I know is that I wished for you to come out of there today more than any other day before. Out of that.. goddamn crystal..."

Taking a deep breath she looked away. Seeing Annie like this had been hard every time she came here but today it hurt even more, in a way. What could this day have been? They could have sneaked away again. They could have had a little celebration, Sasha probably getting hands on something 'special' for the occasion. If everything that happened hadn't happened.

"You wouldn't have liked that, would you? Celebrating with the others." Mikasa chuckled. "I can imagine your face, all pissed off as everyone cheers. Not like..."  
The girl bit her lip again, trying to look at the crystal.

"Not like it is now. So indifferent. Or peaceful. That's all I can do, imagining you're in peace. Everything else would hurt even more. More than it already does."

Groaning she tucked a strand of her hair back and quietly gasped as she realized it was one of Annie's typical gestures.

"Do you see this? I just did as you always did. And I remember now - I do this a lot. Ever since you got here. You even influence me when you're not around. One could say you left your imprint on me."

She leaned back on the chair and scolded herself for being so foolish. What exactly did she come here for? This was pain, she knew this would be pain so why couldn't she stay away? Why did she do something she knew would hurt her? Why did-

A loud crack from one of the torches let her flinch. Had she been so deep in thought? She shook her head and let out a small grunt.

"What am I even thinking? This is your birthday. Your day. And all I do is bring this crummy mood. A great present, isn't it? But I can't help it. Why that is you want to know?"

Mikasa took another deep breath.

"Because I miss you."

There, she said it. The first time she ever said it. Never before she mentioned this to anyone and how could she? No one would understand her. Missing Annie. Missing the one that betrayed them. Missing the one that killed so many.

Missing the one that was a good friend to her. Special to her. The one she sneaked out of the barracks with on more then one occasion. The one she she used to wrap her arms around and hold close whenever they got a moment they were alone in the barracks or somewhere else. Nobody knew about that.

"I miss you... Terribly. I did not know this would happen when I made you fall. But I also didn't know you're a titan. And I didn't know that I could not get over you."

Suddenly feeling frustration and anger flooding up insider her she stood up, kicking the chair away and stepped closer to the crystal. Her breathing went heavy and she lifted a hand to touch it but drew back just before she could feel the smooth surface on her fingertips.   
"Come out", she growled, "come out right now! You fool! Don't hide in this" - she pulled back her arm and hit the crystal with a hard punch of her fist - "damn thing! In this" - she hit it again - "joke! In this" - and yet again - "prison! That's what it is! A prison and nothing else!"  
By the time "prison" left her lips Mikasa was hitting the crystal frantically, not caring for her knuckles that got more bruised and bloody with every punch, kicking it without the pain she retrieved for that in her feet in mind. Howling and screaming she went on for some more moments, whether or not a guard came, it was none of her business. Should they put her in prison too, it didn't matter, not right now. She had to say what truely nagged her. 

Taking a few steps back, her breath going slow but uneven she growled: "A fucking prison! Not a safe space, nothing like that! You just locked yourself away! You're not safe, you're trapped! Get your stupid ass out of this.. this lame excuse of a mirror, of a hideout and let me punch you! Let me feel how my anger slowly drips into your body with every hit! Let me! Let me..."

Mikasa sank down to her knees, feeling tears in the corners of her eyes. Her bile and fury evaporated, she had exhausted herself in this short outburst of pent up anger and violence. She wasn't used to this. Thanks to Levi and Eren she had learned to control her feelings, to not let them get the best of her. But she wasn't used to not getting a response. To not be able to contain herself. Whatever she did the last weeks to get rid of this grawing feeling in her she couldn't name didn't help. Hard training, looking after Eren's foolish mindlessness, helping with planning operations, she always ended up laying in her bed exhausted but still feeling haunted. Haunted by the thought of the blonde girl, sitting in her crystal, in this cellar, in this prison within a prison and all off their memories. The memories of what had been and the ideas of what could have been. 

"Let me.. Just let me..."

Her fist hit the dusty ground.

"Just let me touch you. Get you back. Annie, right now I don't care what happened, just come back." Feeling the first tears slowly flowing down her cheeks she whispered, more to herself than to Annie, "I would run away with you. Right this moment. I'm a good fighter and you are a titan, we could make it, don't you think? We could. We really could."

As she tried to wipe her tears away she smeared a bit of blood from her bruised fingers at her cheeks without noticing. It didn't matter anyway, as soon as she got her hands away new tears replaced the old and ran down her cheeks, heaping up at her chin one by one and dripping down, leaving small circles on the ground. She looked up to the crystal again, crying silently, all anger replaced with bitter pain of missing Annie sorely.

"Give it back to me. All we had, give it back to me. I miss it, no, I need it. I need all of it back, Annie. There was only one time I felt like this, as I thought that Eren died, that I lost my family again. I got him back, didn't I? Why can't I get you back too? Because that's what you are. You also became a part of my family.  
Every of the rare smiles you gave me, everytime I heard you say my name, whenever I had the chance to hold you close, feel your warmth, all of it, all the nights we sneaked our way out to see the stars alone, all the times I could hold your hand and felt your fingers brush over mine and when we imagined we were outside the walls and when I slept holding you for some time until you woke me up because we had to go back.. and all of it.. all of it.."

Mikasa went quiet as her voice failed her. She couldn't go on anymore. Images of a smiling Annie, of all the little moments when they caught each others looks amongst the other trainees ran through her mind. 

The time passed in silence while Mikasa slowly calmed down, her tears drying out, absentmindedly at the crystal. Eventually she pushed herself up, wiping the last tears away.

"I should go."

Mikasa stepped towars the crystal again, this time without feeling the urge to hit it. Instead, she gently touched the surface with her still wet fingers.

"I am sorry for this.. Believe me, I do miss you. And I don't want to hit you. I had to leave that out. Now I feel relieved. This weird feeling I can't lay my finger on, it's less intense. I think I can come back again."

She skimmed over the crystal a last time and stood back.

"No. I will come back, I promise. Just as you. You will come back. You will."

Muttering the last phrase under her breath again and again she left the room in a slow pace, still feeling the cold of the crystal on her fingertips. Cold, just like the night at the lake, when they warmed each other.


End file.
